Uncomfortably numb

I've been trying really hard, as I do every few weeks, to be happy and pleasant. But the truth is I just feel numb. Maybe it's all the drugs the doctors have me on for my neurological problems, or maybe it's just that I don't give a shit anymore.

I have no life. I sit at this computer day-after-day sending out my resume. I go to interview after interview that amount to nothing. I just wonder why?

Why do I have to feel this way -- you know, like I'm a loser or something?

It's dragging me down in a way that I'd hoped it wouldn't. Sometimes you just have too much to deal with and it makes you a little sad.

So, I'm a little sad.

Rent

For the last few weeks I've literally been living unemployment check-to-unemployment check, which isn't saying much at all. I did get Food Stamps and Medicaid, which is a blessing, but it's not cash. I'm still paying on my medical bills from Delaware -- that's including a surgery -- and my electricity.  Again, this month, I can't seem to come up with the money I need to pay rent. I guess this is why I never fully unpacked my place. I was afraid of this. I'm not sure what I'll do. I guess I'll have to sell things that I never thought of selling, and I know I won't get much for. I've been working since I was 15, and this is literally the hardest I've ever had it. I'm just waiting for the tow truck to come and repossess my car at this point.

I'd hoped to find work by now, but I haven't had luck. My savings is gone and all I have are "things." So some of these "things" are going to have to be sold to survive. I just never thought in a million years I'd be in this spot at age 43.

But I have to remember that there are people out there in worse shape than me. They need greater help. I wish this country would truly take care of its own. I want to work more than anything. I'm sick of doing nothing, but looking for work. And I'd take anything.